WHY ARE WE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN HOW TO LEARN TO BE CHILDREN? It is a bit of a strange phenomenom that is present in our children’s creches, schools, clubs and homes.
I have a number of questions like this one….
THE QUESTIONS
Is it right that we adults are having to teach children resourcefulness, creativity, strength, resilience or happiness?
What does it say about our society when we see courses emerging which will teach adults how to teach children to learn to be hopeful and optimistic?
When will we realise that children are meant to be children until they are not?
A PARENT’S PROFESSIONAL POINT OF VIEW (basically my tuppence-worth)
From a personal and professional point of view, I think the accessibility to parents, non-teaching staff and others of these topics and conversations is critical to increasing awareness of a real need. The need for much more positive attributes to be fostered and nurtured in children from a very young age, beginning in the home environment.
The mistakes I can see occurring, especially in my own generation are that the parental need to insulate and provide ‘everything’ for their children, is actually a disservice to them and is satisfying the needs of the parents, not the child. I have seen too many able-bodied children, become dis-abled in so many ways by their environment both nurture and in some ways nature. Removing obstacles, smoothing paths, providing unnecessary or unnatural buffers in the everyday life, are all a hindrance to the healthy, normal development of any child, whether neurotypical or neurodiverse.
- Don’t ‘insulate’ kids
- Kids don’t need ‘everything’
- Supervise and encourage; Don’t dictate or orchestrate
- Leave the obstacles, teach finding their own solutions
I passionately believe as parents and caregivers our role is to supervise and encourage learning, not dictate and shape it. Children have their own pace as individuals and it is concerning to see adults rushing them through the formative years, to always be more than they are right now. The formative years are so critical to the establishment of a healthy well-adjusted adult, they cannot and must not be rushed.
Your kids only get 365 days to experience each year of their lives. Allow them to make them count for their future self.
Sinead
THE AGING OF SOMETHING GREAT
Children are like fine wine and good cheese. They need understanding, TLC, great conditions and time, to become all that they can become.
I see all too clearly the correlation between micromanagement and adults living vicariously through children’s lives; and the emergence of anxious, ill-adjusted young adults unable to make their way in the modern world, where connection is so difficult to achieve and maintain. Without an inner connection with themselves, they have so many difficulties ahead of them as teenagers and young adults.
MY OWN EXPERIENCE
I have advocated this thinking for so many years however, it seems it is only now, a quarter way into the 21st century, that society is beginning to see the repercussions. As a parent, as much as I possibly could, I allowed my own child to experience every month, of every year of all of her years to date.
It was incredibly important to me that she learned about herself, her space and place in the world along the milestones of growing up and her own life as she grew. This was so she would be better placed to be able to see where she feels most comfortable in that world.
When taking photos, from a relatively young age, societal influence would encourage her to pose. I would pause, ask her how old she is and when she would answer she would laugh and only then would I take the photograph, capturing her true beauty and essence. Asking children to ‘pose’ or ‘smile’ for photographs encourages a lie, a mask which becomes an adulthood trait.
IN MY WORKSPACE
In my own work, aside from the parenting support I offer, I also work with the general public, employers, employees etc., The messaging is the same. They or their staff may already be or may become parents one day. At the very least somewhere along the way, we all encounter children, be they our own, our nieces or nephews, neighbours, clients, children of clients etc.,
As adults we have a duty of care to the positive, healthy development of children. They become our employees, our colleagues, our bosses. The messaging and the science behind the inherent skills, i.e. ones with which we are born and the vital need to nurture those, not suppress them, is always part of my teachings. In the adult forum, and the workplace, that is where managers need to learn to lead and not hover or micromanage.
MEITHEAL
Meitheal, is the Gaelic word for which the closest translation is ‘team’. Used as an expression it means to embrace and support. It has a wonderful wrap around feel to it and encompasses all that community represents. As parents we are a community of nurturers. Our job is to take care of our young people for the short time they are in our care and do our utmost to ensure when they are ready to leave home, they are capable of standing on their own two feet. They achieve that with a sense of self-efficacy, autonomy, resilience and a healthy, internalised locus of control.
We work as a team of parents, educators, neighbours, family and friends. Together we create the stability and security for our children to grow, learn and develop – at their own pace, not ours.
Have I answers to those questions? Let’s see…
THE POSSIBLE ANSWERS
Why are we teaching our children how to learn to be children?
Because we forget how to be children ourselves. We have forgotten how to be playful. Remember the child within you and your own children will retain their childhood, until they are ready to grow up.
Is it right that we adults are having to teach children resourcefulness, creativity, strength, resilience or happiness?
No, it isn’t. Perhaps through teaching our children resourcefulness, creativity, strength, resilience or happiness, we are regaining, relearning or reawakening our own. Children learn what they live. As parents, model those behaviours. If you learned in a way you’d like to change, change it for yourself. You have that power and can give yourself that permission.
What does it say about our society when we see courses emerging which will teach adults how to teach children to learn to be hopeful and optimistic?
It means as adults we ourselves have forgotten what it is to be hopeful and optimistic. We tend to bog ourselves down looking backwards without wisdom and then lose out on all the excitement of looking forwards. Do you ever remember feeling sick when you sat facing backwards on a bus or train. You need to keep moving forward. Keep experiencing. Keep living and keep learning in your own life. Leave the kids to live theirs.
When will we realise that children are meant to be children until they are not?
When we realise we are all children at heart, we just grow up to have adult bodies, adult responsibilities and adult concerns. Deep down, we each have a child within.
How does that child feel? Is that feeling reflected in the way you now parent?
This is where this writing ends.
Only you can write this ending. Give yourself the gift of looking back, retrieving your child within and bringing them with you as you progress through the rest of your life. Heal the wounds of old, build a stronger foundation, solidify and scaffold that foundation with the wisdom you have gained over the years and be the person you are meant to be. Then, and only then, have you created a role model for your child to aspire to, and can you be really proud of the person you have become.
NEED SUPPORT?
Even parents need parenting sometimes. You can receive support for this and more from my Holistic Parent programmes which are available in-person in Meath or online if you are further afield. There are three formal programmes to follow, however for a more specific one-to-one experience, tailored for your own needs, there are individual sessions also. Either way, if you are struggling with parenthood, or even adulthood, reach out. I know I can support you with care, compassion and empathy.
END NOTE
This is not psychology, it is learning – It is not counselling, it is education.
I am Sinead C Kavanagh, The Holistic Parent (among other things) and I am here to be part of the village you need and deserve to raise your children healthily, empathetically and with conscious confidence.
Shared with love,
Sinead xx
Remember…
- Go and find the child you once were and bring them with you
- Heal the hurts to break the cycles
- Do not strive for perfection in an imperfect world and don’t expect your child to either
Word Count: 1,380
Date: 12th August 2020
© SineadCKavanagh
